he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
