i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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