I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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