3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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