im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
