wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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