I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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