I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
