Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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