I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
