Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
