I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
