oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
