Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
