1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
