Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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