Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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