My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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