grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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