I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
