She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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