I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
