i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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