I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
