I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
