It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
