The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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