I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
