My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
