when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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