is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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