She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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