You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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