remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
