he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
