How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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