I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
