Where did you get a picture of my penis
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
