On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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