I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
