I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
