you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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