And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
