I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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