Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
