My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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