he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
