You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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