Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
sarcasm needs its own font
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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