The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
