I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
