did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
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i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
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I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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