i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
