Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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