So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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