well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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