He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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