Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
sarcasm needs its own font
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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