I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
